For a brief few days, I felt the sting of sadness the end of a year can bring. There's something about letting go of the past twelve months that's hard for many of us. It's a pity that Christmas is in the midst of, and for some people the reason for, all those low and lonely feelings. Christmas is a glorious holiday in that it is the celebration of Glory itself coming down to us. But Christmas is also the people and traditions attached to it, and when those people and traditions become only memories...well, it just makes us sad.
I've had a difficult time this fall. I keep feeling like I shouldn't say it's been hard, because in many ways, it's been easy, but I will say it has been the weirdest season of my life so far. Alot of our friends we made in the first year of BSSM came back for second year, and it started without us. I had moved past the expectation of second year for us once I knew it wasn't going to happen, but it suprised me how hurt I actually was by it once everyone was back. I did move on to a new expectation of just being here in Redding anyway and resting with no work or school responsibilites and, instead, working on getting pregnant. But September, October, November, and December have passed with the certainty of not being pregnant, so that has hurt, too, because even though I'm not worried anything is wrong with my ability to become pregnant, I just thought I had heard God say it was time to and because of that it would be easy and happen pretty much immediately.
I had a life plan worked out revolving around getting pregnant this fall. So that has to change now obviously. I know it sounds like "Duh! Life happens!" but I hate that it has to change. It makes me feel silly for assuming I knew how everything was going to happen. I'm just not seeing what I wanted to see right now, and I haven't had that happen in life very often. No, actually, that isn't true. I've not gotten what I wanted lots of times, but there's something different about it right now. I think it's because during first year, I was filled with so much hope and anticipation of the future, and I experienced a spiritual deposit I've found hard to even explain much less process despite all the time I've had this fall. So it feels like a school year's worth of emotional and spiritual revival hype built up for seemingly nothing, because then it just stopped, and I wasn't a student anymore. I didn't have a title. I didn't have a well-defined place to pour into or from which to be poured into. Relationships and intimacy seemed all of sudden so much harder, because if I was going to have connection, I had to be intentional. I found a couple of places to plug into and I continued to meet new people, but nothing really stuck like it did during first year. I'm so grateful that a few friends we made last year are still strong features in our life here, and don't get me wrong, I still really love this church, but so many times I have wanted to be rid of this season.
The pain of waiting is a dull, nagging pain that convinces you it's not that bad and that you're okay, but then every two weeks it hurts so badly, you find yourself crying in your bed, or in the laundry room, or in the bathroom, or yelling at your husband because you can't explain what you're feeling or why everything in the world feels so inadequate. In the fall of 2012, God told me I would walk into a season of "a trudge," but right after that, we were launched into the craziest, fastest-paced adventure I had been on in my life because we decided to come here, and we lost our job, and moved to England and all that. I go back to that word, "a trudge," and wonder if it's now that God was talking about. This certainly feels like trudging.
I mentioned at the beginning of this post that for a brief few days, I felt the sting of sadness the end of a year can bring. But then I was reminded of the preciousness of my marriage celebrating our ninth anniversary on the 22nd. I got through Christmas with my husband and a couple of sweet friends by my side. And now I've come to these last few days of 2014 being able to finally write this personal confession of a blog, because I feel ready to enter 2015 now even though I still don't know when I'm going to get pregnant or how that's going to change the timeline I had previously imagined for myself.
If you haven't already noticed, this post isn't really a formula for how to wait well. I don't even know if I am waiting well, because for the most part, I'm moody and temperamental and don't seem to feel as confident as I have before. And what is it I'm really waiting for anyway? Nothing I want in this world can be as fulfilling as knowing God, and I already know Him. So maybe those of us who are burdened by the weight of waiting should put the object of our wait not on babies, or jobs, or success, or changes of situation but just on Him. Despite my frustration as God and I trudge along, I still know that He's the One for me. I can't explain it, but as you know Him year after year, you know that He's on your side, and He's going to make all of this make sense at some point.